Your phone rings with a text message : WE NEED TO TALK. And splat. The one sentence that every god fearing individual does not want to hear because no matter how much we want to man up to it, the sub text of that text is ….you are gonna get your ass dumped bro! Now bear in mind that this could be the simplest case of you-did-not-pick-up your underwear, but nonetheless there are plenty of sparkly words of anger that’s gonna follow. You have the unpleasant TALK and then its over. Josh Groban comes on, and the rest of the months is spent in eating disgusting amounts of chocolate alternating with copious amounts of alcohol. But this is the big bada bing breakup. But if you are the kind of couple who break up every single fucking day like Ross and Rachel ( ANNOYING!), then how do you gauge when is the talk.....the TALK? Aaah Padewan, technology shall tell you the right time to start packing your bags and move to breakup city.
Stage 1: The Gchat Block
This is easy to do but also the trickiest one to gauge. You say”Baby how you feeling today” and ….digital silence. So either she is not on her desk or the reality…she be ignoring you and then proceeds to block you. Since you have no actual way of knowing you are blocked unless she tells you, you proceed to email. No reply still. Then you know you are 99% blocked or worse….she is actually looking at all the messages and is playing stabbing scenes on repeat in her head. Women are mean like that. But this can still be fixed with a heartfelt email, but has to be sent within the next 24 hours or stage 2 is in action.
Stage 2: The Facebook block
Limited profile is on. No access to walls, photos, nothing. Chances are that this is still pretty much easy to save by another desperate message on Facebook, but this time you might have to quote a love letter from Voltaire or something. But , still reversible…so you still have a shot at making this work. Stage 3 has not set in yet, but is soon to follow.
Stage 3: The BBM Block
NOW SHE’S PISSED AND MEANS BUSINESS. BBM is the one thing that couples obsessively use to the point of actually puking your living guts on it, so much that if by any chance you as a friend come across it, you might consider barfing too. All the big guns come out, fancy dinner, roses to the office and cake. Lots of cake. ( dunno why I said that….cake makes me happy! He he he …..) So if you are BBM blocked, you might as
well have the talk and see it go south…if it does that is.
Stage 4: The Facebook Relationship Status change
Now its public. The comments are going to start pouring in and all the guys who have been waiting in line are going to start “liking” it. This also depends: If its changed to “complicated”, then you still have a chance. “Single” and you are moving to Breakupville. Population: You.
Stage 4: The Facebook Defriend
Its over bro. No point saving it. Vengeance is upon you. The Defriend is the official announcement of “I never want to see your dumbass again”. The untagging of pictures begins followed by defriending mutual friends and plenty of stalking. The best thing you can do right now is either stalk her profile or troll facebook for your rebound. Meh!
Too complicated you think? Hell to the yeah! Where are the days of landing up on her doorstep with a song or doing a simple burning ritual with your girlfriends? Technology has made us lazy bastards. Meh….maybe its for the best! As Artie says: Hair of the dog that done bit your ass bro! Laters, my dumped homeboys!
