Your phone rings with a text message : WE NEED TO TALK. And splat. The one sentence that every god fearing individual does not want to hear because no matter how much we want to man up to it, the sub text of that text is ….you are gonna get your ass dumped bro! Now bear in mind that this could be the simplest case of you-did-not-pick-up your underwear, but nonetheless there are plenty of sparkly words of anger that’s gonna follow. You have the unpleasant TALK and then its over. Josh Groban comes on, and the rest of the months is spent in eating disgusting amounts of chocolate alternating with copious amounts of alcohol. But this is the big bada bing breakup. But if you are the kind of couple who break up every single fucking day like Ross and Rachel ( ANNOYING!), then how do you gauge when is the talk.....the TALK? Aaah Padewan, technology shall tell you the right time to start packing your bags and move to breakup city.
Stage 1: The Gchat Block
This is easy to do but also the trickiest one to gauge. You say”Baby how you feeling today” and ….digital silence. So either she is not on her desk or the reality…she be ignoring you and then proceeds to block you. Since you have no actual way of knowing you are blocked unless she tells you, you proceed to email. No reply still. Then you know you are 99% blocked or worse….she is actually looking at all the messages and is playing stabbing scenes on repeat in her head. Women are mean like that. But this can still be fixed with a heartfelt email, but has to be sent within the next 24 hours or stage 2 is in action.
Stage 2: The Facebook block
Limited profile is on. No access to walls, photos, nothing. Chances are that this is still pretty much easy to save by another desperate message on Facebook, but this time you might have to quote a love letter from Voltaire or something. But , still reversible…so you still have a shot at making this work. Stage 3 has not set in yet, but is soon to follow.
Stage 3: The BBM Block
NOW SHE’S PISSED AND MEANS BUSINESS. BBM is the one thing that couples obsessively use to the point of actually puking your living guts on it, so much that if by any chance you as a friend come across it, you might consider barfing too. All the big guns come out, fancy dinner, roses to the office and cake. Lots of cake. ( dunno why I said that….cake makes me happy! He he he …..) So if you are BBM blocked, you might as
well have the talk and see it go south…if it does that is.
Stage 4: The Facebook Relationship Status change
Now its public. The comments are going to start pouring in and all the guys who have been waiting in line are going to start “liking” it. This also depends: If its changed to “complicated”, then you still have a chance. “Single” and you are moving to Breakupville. Population: You.
Stage 4: The Facebook Defriend
Its over bro. No point saving it. Vengeance is upon you. The Defriend is the official announcement of “I never want to see your dumbass again”. The untagging of pictures begins followed by defriending mutual friends and plenty of stalking. The best thing you can do right now is either stalk her profile or troll facebook for your rebound. Meh!
Too complicated you think? Hell to the yeah! Where are the days of landing up on her doorstep with a song or doing a simple burning ritual with your girlfriends? Technology has made us lazy bastards. Meh….maybe its for the best! As Artie says: Hair of the dog that done bit your ass bro! Laters, my dumped homeboys!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Alcohol and Technology – Not a Good Cocktail
Drunken stupors. The ancient tradition of getting so hammered that you have no idea what is happening to yourself or to the people around you or most importantly to the person to are about to or already have inflicted some serious emotional atyachaar on. We have all done this at some point of times in our lives, got so sloshed and done the one thing that is worse than a tequlla and old monk shot- DRUNK DIALED OR TEXTED THE CURRENT OR EX GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND. Now mostly, its sweet nothings or even a bootycall which if played correctly makes the morning after not so difficult to deal with. But if it’s the other side of the spectrum i.e the ex/current has been sent the bitching text of a lifetime which does not have even the slightest sprinkle of happy thoughts, the morning after can be described in two words- HUNGOVER AND EMBARRASED.
Before the invention of the device that we all take for granted now- the mobile phone, am pretty sure drunken stupidity was easier to handle. Forget that, even before texting was made cheap or alcohol dialing was legal, all you could do was lie in your bed in misery or you know, cry yourself to sleep or something or if you were really really rich- get Nestor the butler to do the sobbing for you. Now since its so freaking easy to send severely self damaging words in less than 50 paise, thinking of an excuse of why you did that the next morning can be turned into a seriously profitable money making business. Not kidding, seriously.
So now getting to the cause of this post- my drunk text. It was not a happy one and I am not even going to get into the details of it, but I so wish my battery was so godamn dead so that I could have saved myself from the evil eye of embarrassment. This is where technology has to change and here’s what I propose.
1.Service providers should have drunk SMS packs in which certain numbers are blocked. And even if they cant be blocked, should zap you everytime you enter the number that you are supposed to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM.
2.As soon as you enter a place, a signal jammer should immediately put phones in offline mode. That does mean that you cant invite any more people to the party, but then again- lesser the better. Not many people should be watching (coz they are definitely not listening to it!) your rendition of Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance anyway.
3.An app that keeps reminding you that you are a moron for your previous drunk dial everytime you look at your phone.
4.An app that instantly gives you pictures of maggots, dead chickens or something really gross so that you puke out all your daaru, get sober and go home.
5.Major brain shaking wake up from the dead “keeeeeeeeeeeeee” shrill sound the minute you touch your phone. It’ll scare you, maybe even make you pee in your pants a little bit, but lets think of the bigger picture here.
Till the time all of the above are put into action, you will just have to live with either switching your phone off or give it to the next best sober person in the group. So in the end, technology and alcohol is not a good cocktail at all. And if at all you still manage to go through the tunnel of the drunk texting and dialing, you better have a great excuse or a peace offering on the other side! And if still nothing works, denial is the key.
Before the invention of the device that we all take for granted now- the mobile phone, am pretty sure drunken stupidity was easier to handle. Forget that, even before texting was made cheap or alcohol dialing was legal, all you could do was lie in your bed in misery or you know, cry yourself to sleep or something or if you were really really rich- get Nestor the butler to do the sobbing for you. Now since its so freaking easy to send severely self damaging words in less than 50 paise, thinking of an excuse of why you did that the next morning can be turned into a seriously profitable money making business. Not kidding, seriously.
So now getting to the cause of this post- my drunk text. It was not a happy one and I am not even going to get into the details of it, but I so wish my battery was so godamn dead so that I could have saved myself from the evil eye of embarrassment. This is where technology has to change and here’s what I propose.
1.Service providers should have drunk SMS packs in which certain numbers are blocked. And even if they cant be blocked, should zap you everytime you enter the number that you are supposed to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM.
2.As soon as you enter a place, a signal jammer should immediately put phones in offline mode. That does mean that you cant invite any more people to the party, but then again- lesser the better. Not many people should be watching (coz they are definitely not listening to it!) your rendition of Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance anyway.
3.An app that keeps reminding you that you are a moron for your previous drunk dial everytime you look at your phone.
4.An app that instantly gives you pictures of maggots, dead chickens or something really gross so that you puke out all your daaru, get sober and go home.
5.Major brain shaking wake up from the dead “keeeeeeeeeeeeee” shrill sound the minute you touch your phone. It’ll scare you, maybe even make you pee in your pants a little bit, but lets think of the bigger picture here.
Till the time all of the above are put into action, you will just have to live with either switching your phone off or give it to the next best sober person in the group. So in the end, technology and alcohol is not a good cocktail at all. And if at all you still manage to go through the tunnel of the drunk texting and dialing, you better have a great excuse or a peace offering on the other side! And if still nothing works, denial is the key.
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